Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
