I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
