You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
