I feel great
I just peed on a car
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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