Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
