You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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