I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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