if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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