I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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