exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
