We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
