i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
