You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
