If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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