And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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