we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
