So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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