remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
