Kiss
Puke
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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