woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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