His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
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Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
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I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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