i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
