There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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