Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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