my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
