one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
