Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
