Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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