Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
