Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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