There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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