i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
