Just fell off a train. Bad.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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