WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
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I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
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Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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