did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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