I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
