I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
