you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
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