Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
