God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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