I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
