Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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