We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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