mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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