Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
