I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
