Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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