I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
