When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
