roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
