??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
