I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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