So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
no you cant smoke seaweed
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
