he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
